Burton Cummings of the “The Guess Who” sang about the plight of raising teen daughters in the 60’s. Some of the key lyrics are below:
“Hey man, follow your daughter home
Keep her out of trouble
Staying out late in the bar with the bad men
Follow your daughter home
Keep her out of mischief, Watch her
Follow your daughter home
What are the boys like she’s running and dancing with
Tie her up
Keep her out of trouble
Hey man, follow your daughter home”
As I brace myself for my grade 7 daughter’s coming of age, I might as well take a trip to the hardware store right now. I tease her, and wrestle her, and tummy tickle her as I inform her that she’ll be locked away for about 7 years. Her virtue must be protected. I really do mean business. No one can harm my baby.
And then she conjures her well-honed-daddy-charm smile at me with those steely blue eyes that melt me into a puddle, and I know I am in big trouble.
One of my pals, Dr. Alex Russell, an adolescent psychologist who recently wrote “Drop the Worry Ball”, confided in me about 5 years ago what his approach will be with his own daughter, then 13.
“It’s the river Denial for me”.
“C’mon, don’t you have a fancy model to lean on?”
He chuckled, “Teenage girls want two things from their dads. To be dumb. And to be supportive. That’s it. And considering that certain details of her life will inevitably cause me to wince, being in denial is the probably the best way to go.”
Forgive me for the massive oversimplification, but we have two extremes to consider. Turn your house into a prison; or STFU and get your daughter’s back.
This morning my daughter interrupted my work to ask if I would drive her 6 blocks to her friend’s house. It’s a beautiful sunny March midday. She climbed onto my lap, hugged me, kissed my forehead, and said “pretty please” with a girly grin she could only have learned in some feminine conspiracy where girls learn how to manipulate dads and boyfriends.
This is a conundrum for me. I want to be supportive, just like the good doctor Alex advised, and just drive her. But I also want to foster her independence. And I’m busy.
So I say “no”. Please walk. And she does. And it’s no big deal. But I must confess I say yes about two thirds of the time.
I counsel myself and other parents to not be so hard on ourselves. The need to protect your teenage daughter while also having to foster her independence is one of life’s enduring conflicts of interest. Find me the ultimate “expert” who can inform us on how to navigate teenage girls’ emerging sexual identities. You can’t. This parenting issue is a minefield. Daughters yearn for the freedom to figure it out themselves. Parents don’t want to become premature grandparents.
My advice? For whatever its worth:
We need to chill out and take a breath. Because, really, the chances of your daughter getting hurt “with the boys past midnight” are really quite small. Violent crime statistics bear this out. Virtually all your daughters have a finely tuned instinct for avoiding trouble. They are not dumb.
Teenagers must be given latitude to experiment with new identities; to learn how to navigate difficult social situations; to be given a chance to earn your trust by showing their own good judgement – these outcomes reduce conflict in the home and set the stage for your daughter to grow up to be a resilient and autonomous human being.
And by the way, short of truly making your house a prison, your daughter is mostly going to do what she wants anyways. Having spent 30 years in the trenches with teenagers gives me bold confidence to make this claim. So a parent has more to gain by proactively and strategically letting loose the rope, rather than by tightening it and coping with the toxicity than ensues.
But all within reason.
An example might be a policy where public transit be taken during the day, and parents chauffeur at night. How about extending curfew and simply requiring text updates? This vote of trust will reinforce reliable behaviour and make you feel like a genius for suggesting it pro-actively. Your child will feel trusted and may just behave in a way that reinforces more trust.
Feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss. This issue is so complex. There are no right answers.
Steven Gottlieb
